I don't have much of an excuse for Sunday. I can't even remember what I did Sunday, other than watch Star Driver. Star Driver is pretty much my favorite anime. It's about fabulous high school life, fabulous giant robots, fabulous magic powers, and a fabulous evil group called the Glittering Crux Brigade. So far I've managed to get three of my friends and my brother into it, and another friend is being forced to watch it.
Anyway, I do have a reason I didn't blog Monday. I felt terrible. I don't know what it was. Depression? Sickness? Something else entirely? But I was tired and bored all day, and I answered everything with "yes," "no," or "I don't know." Mostly "I don't know," and I answered a lot of questions.
Before I was depressed, I could have bad days. I could say, "I feel horrible today," and people would say "okay" and move on. Now my parents hover over me, coming into my room and asking me questions all day.
"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong?"
"Are you sick or (meaningful point at head)?"
I don't know how to answer them. Every time they ask me a question it makes me want to cry. In fact, I'm crying right now. I don't know what's going on inside my head any better than they do, but I'm too sad and passive to make them understand that. All I really want when I get like this (and by this I mean depressed) is to sit alone in my room listening to a mix of Ke$ha, Nine Inch Nails, and j-pop until it passes.
Or to die, but let's not get into that. This isn't a secret cry for help or anything. I'm not really suicidal. I think about it a lot, but I know it's just the depression talking and it doesn't get any further than a few stray thoughts. I'm not worried about it, so you shouldn't be either.
The problem is that people expect me to want comfort, and I don't. I may not know what's going on, but I do know that it'll pass. It always does. I just have to cry a little, hug my knees and think about dying, and wait until I feel myself rising up out of it.
I kind of like the feeling of leaving the episode behind. I mean, beyond just "hey I can be happy again and not a zombie!" Is that weird? It's a really... I don't know what word to use, really. It's almost a spiritual kind of thing for me. It feels like swimming up to the surface after you've been underwater for a long time, I guess. Before, the water was pressing in all around you and you couldn't breathe, but now you can see the light at the surface and you know in just a little bit you'll be able to take another breath.
That's how I felt writing this entry, actually. I'm all better now; at least, as better as I'll ever get. I'm pretty convinced no one's reading this, so when I say thanks it's to the blog itself and to the world, I guess, for letting me be happy.
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