I've been a little irritable all day. Usually I can tell -- for me, one of the biggest signs that a bout of depression is coming on is that I'm not interested in talking to my friends. I say "yes" and "no" and "haha" when necessary, but I just don't want to talk to them. Usually I make up an excuse and sign out.
But today I didn't notice the signs, because I wasn't expecting this to happen. I went downstairs to play my borrowed Animal Crossing game and only wandered around the town for a few minutes before closing the DS. I just couldn't focus on anything. So I lay down on the couch with my face to the back so it would be dark for a while.
Eventually the voices on the television and my brother's random Shakespeare quotes started to annoy me too, and I started upstairs. Mother reminded me that we had planned to go see a movie and go out for dinner.
"Do we have to?" I asked. "Do I have to?" My voice sounds different to me when I get like this. It gets thinner, somehow, and it's harder for me to speak.
She said she could put it off until tomorrow, and I went upstairs. I had been planning to lie down on my bed and listen to music until this passed, but as soon as I lay down I started crying. Mother came in again.
"I don't understand," she said, or something like that. "Earlier I asked you, and you said it would be fine."
"I didn't feel like this earlier!" I said, through my tears. My voice cracked and all that other embarrassing stuff.
She left. I could hear her in the kitchen, slamming things louder than she needs to do. That's what Mother does when she's frustrated. Then I felt even worse. I don't try to do this, but it happens anyway and messes with other people's plans. I can't imagine going anywhere but my bedroom right now, and I can't imagine forcing myself to. But if I wasn't like this, we'd be able to go see a movie as a family.
I ended up just crying for a few minutes with my eyes closed and I Do Not Want This blasting in my ears. Sometimes there are songs that describe your feelings perfectly, and sometimes you need to turn them up and make your own little world. When I opened my eyes, the tears seemed to burn me. I hate the way tears feel hot. They should feel cold.
But don't worry about me. In a few hours, this will pass.
The adventure of life will go on.
